A voice from the dark side of the moon

Here, I’m sharing a letter written to my son during what would be an unsuccessful attempt to escape domestic abuse. A deep time in which I thought I’d never throw off the shadows. I didn’t know then that I would soon be free to shine.

Over on Surviving Domestic Violence, the Missions of Happiness have begun. Brainchild of the inspirational Carey, a child survivor of domestic violence in the home, the first mission in this wonderful initiative is to draft an anonymous letter to someone who has helped us out of domestic abuse – or inspired us in any way.

Dark side of the moon

Photo by crsan

I’ve already shared with you all a letter to my mother, a survivor of domestic violence and a lifelong inspiration to me. So, for this mission I’m posting something for my child – the sole reason that I’m a survivor. The reason I didn’t stay. My motivation for breathing. I did for him what I wouldn’t do for myself. He, not even a year old when I eventually escaped, saved me.

I’ve been writing to my beautiful boy all of his life (okay, so he’s a toddler – it’s not that long!). Here, I want to share with you an extract from one of my letters to him – written during one of my unsuccessful attempts to leave his abusive father.

I chose this narrative as a snippet of how I felt at that dark time: hoping that my abuser would change, and not yet able to accept that he never would. Believing that the problem was drugs rather than the fact my man was an abuser, period. Wanting my child to feel safe and loved, but frightened that that would never happen. You can read more about this period of time in my post, Gambling on a red-herring.

On the dark side of the moon

Dear X

I’m hoping things will work out with your Daddy soon. I know he loves you. We were spending a few days together and he was brilliant with you. Unfortunately, he then failed a drugs test (positive for cannabis and cocaine) so we couldn’t stay with him anymore.

I have asked him again to get clean, and I will test him again in a few months. But for now, we can’t stay with him when he is doing that. He seems to have taken it to heart this time, and has sworn that you and I are the most important things in his life – more than drugs.

He has good days and bad days, but I thought that he was getting better. He seemed very calm, though I know he is finding it hard, but he seems to be trying and I am doing all I can to help him. I took you to see him today at his work. I was sad that he didn’t really look at you. Luckily, you are too small now to really know. And tonight, he turned up at our house, staggering and drunk.

You are my priority. Whatever I do, I will keep you safe.

*** If you haven’t already heard about the Missions of Happiness, please do check it out and get involved ***

Photo by xJasonRogersx

Photo by xJasonRogersx

How would you describe a time when you were seeking to exit domestic abuse? Who in your life has inspired you or motivated you to act?

ALSO SEE: The relationship between substance abuse and domestic violence, in Why he only hurts you when he’s drunk (or high)

© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14


11 responses to “A voice from the dark side of the moon

  1. I had an overwhelming sense at the end, that my abusers hatred toward everything, far outweighed his love for his children. It was unbalanced…I told him this in what would be the last time I spoke to him with any compassion. I don’t even know what it was that he hated-I had nothing left to “fix”….💜💙


    • Thank you for sharing armyofangels. I’m sorry that this happened to you and the children. I personally think that abusive people project hatred outwards because they hate themselves so much – and that’s something only they can ‘fix’.


  2. Thank you for sharing that. I remember putting my 1 year old in the car and driving around town to motels, asking if we could possibly stay there and I would promise to come back some day to pay them. They all said no. By nighttime, we had to go back. It took 8 more years for me to leave. That was 40+ years ago. The fear is still there.


    • Hi Mandy. My heart just breaks, reading your comment. We feel so vulnerable when we have young children to protect, and all you needed was a helping hand at that darkest time. Though it took you eight more years to leave, that’s a huge achievement.


      • I’ve always wished my situation took place in this day and age since there are so many resources. Yet, just like with my main focus on my blog-childhood sexual abuse–it doesn’t matter how many resources, the problem isn’t going away and their are still a lot of people being harmed. Thank you for your support and making it your mission to bring awareness. One thing I’ll say -even though it took 8 years to leave, the unfortunate thing when you share children, the person will be there for the rest of your lives–for me if feels like I never left. (Your son is a lucky little boy to have you.)


      • There *are* more resources now – but still not enough. Domestic abuse and sexual abuse are global epidemics that aren’t going away – as you so rightly point out. You’re doing a great job raising awareness on your blog – I only hope I’m able to contribute to the effort in some way.

        You are spot on to point out that it is impossible to ever fully remove an abuser from our lives when there are shared children. All we can do is whatever we must to keep the kids and ourselves safe. We often turn out to be stronger than we ever imagined 🙂


  3. Pingback: First Russian Men On The Moon Unsuccessful | Clouverse·

  4. My children inspired me to leave and stay gone. I want to teach them that it is not okay to hurt someone or to be hurt by someone. That is unacceptable. My leaving and staying away is my example to them. It is a strong example and they are a strong inspiration. I do not want my babies to turn out violent or to be hurt by violence. I do not want anyone to think it is ok. I may forgive my ex-abuser someday, but going back is not an option. Thank Goodness! Thank you for your blog!


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