Comments and feedback
I always love to hear from you! I welcome feedback, experiences, and insights that may help me and others. So, I’m delighted if you wish to comment on this blog – and I aim to respond to each and every comment.
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Avalanche of the soul 
You made a difference to me, and you are appreciated. I nominated Avalanche of the Soul for The Versatile Blogger Award http://betternotbroken.com/2014/03/15/if-anyone-is-versatile-it-is-me/
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Thank you so much, it’s good to know that I am helping somehow. 🙂
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i cant find where to do a general comment but i needed to join in somehow … your accounts made me laugh so much … the hoover etc.but, before you you write me off as a whimsical observer .. i just read an account of a survivor and was unsure whether i had been bonded by trauma, abused or was i just in love .. i think i have been very foolish. i was booted about the place, held up against walls by my neck, had a pillow over my face – i remember my stupid little legs kicking as i tried to squirm out of death – i really thought i was going to be killed. i ran into the garden screaming .. i was in shock and didnt know what i was doing.. he calmed me down – knowing the neighbours would hear his calm voice, saying stuff like what are you doing? why are you out there ….. it was six in the morning – an episode followed that where i protected him. it resulted in me loosing my home. im now homeless and he has gone.he left a few days a go to punish me. i got kicked, pulled out out bed, punched in the head. manipulated pulled out of my car infront of my neighbours and dragged across the lawn while he was screaming he was going to mongolise me. we went to visit my daughter last year on her birthday, he made a scene, after our meal he got in my car and said he was not going to join us for one last drink. i tried to get him out the car and to come.for a drink before we drove home .. but he wouldn’t. i was trying to juggle my daughters birthday and him being in the car sulking. i had to sneak out the pub to try and appease him. then when we left … my daughter is at uni and we hardly ever see each other ,, it was a half way meet .. but when i got back in the car he started to drive off and said he was going to kill me when i got home. just wait till i get you home, im going to kill you – you bitch, i had to endure an hour of driving thinking that when i got home i was going to die. all i did was meet my daughter for a meal and a drink on her birthday. that’s a small scene. there is so much worse … he only left again this sunday ( two days ago) but the night before i defied him because.i dared to take a bath and have my music playing. .. he went sick on me changed all his statuses to single and threw all my paperwork down the toilet. that has set me back quiet a lot of money. so, i thought fuck you. i got changed and went out . as i am in temp accommodation atm i am living near a club.so i went out and had fun for two hours. he didnt like that.oh no. when i got home he grabbed me, turned me upside down ( im five foot and weigh seven stone. hes six one and is full of muscle) and threw me out of the front door and then locked it shut .. i lay on the wet concrete and thought .. you know what .. i will just lie here till i die. ive had enough. … i didnt . i got back in. but because i am a twat and a cunt and a bitch and a piss head, as he tells me all the time,. he called a friend the next morming who picked him up and he has gone again. now i am thinking it is my fault for going out….im bruised up to hell again.. .. he said when he left he hates and despises me. you know what .. im in the wrong place here .. ohh yea .. forgot to mention his cheating .. why the fuck am i even entertaining this guy . help please
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Hi Ema. There’s nothing in what you’ve described to suggest you’ve been foolish, or stupid. What’s happened to you is not your fault, and you’re worth so much more than what this man is offering. He won’t want you to believe in yourself at all, because keeping you downtrodden and without confidence serves his purpose: which is to feed the void in his own soul by hurting and controlling you. I think you already have reached the inevitable conclusion that cutting him out of your life is the best possible action you can take now. I’m here if you need moral support at any time.
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I just found this blog and read about the “trauma bonding” and have been going through this for five years now with the most EXPERIENCED EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE PSYCOPATH I have ever seen. EVERYTHING in your article was HIM textbook. I have endured this maniac as he called me “selfish a narc a bitch AND he is a alcoholic. I have been sucked in so many times, even to the point of having 2 restraining orders and dropping both of them. I can’t even REMEMBER WHO I was before him? He is love bombing me right now, I could not figure out WHY I could NEVER WALK AWAY from this abuse. The emotional scars are so deep, but no one knows the REAL him,he even has our church family FOOLED. I am working on a exit right now. Thank you for this blog. Please pray I can get out this time, so tired of the pain.
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I am the mother of survivor – it took a long time for me to help her get out. He tried to isolate her from friends and family with lies and manipulations but I would not go away. Fortunately she and I had a strong bond while she was growing up. It paid off because she has been out a year and growing stronger. I feel you are doing a great job in reaching people and explaining the dynamics of abuse.
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I’m glad you were there for your daughter. It must be extraordinarily hard to see her go through that, and I am so pleased that she got out.
My mother was a huge source of support for me throughout my abusive relationship – and after I got out. So it is really encouraging to hear that you think the blog is useful – I just hope it helps others as I have been helped.
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Love it, thanks AI! 🙂
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Hello my friend,
We haven’t talked in a while. Hope this finds you healthy and happy. 🙂 Hugs.
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I am just breaking free from my psychopathic boyfriend of 6 years. It is so hard but each time I have gone back it just gets worse. I have read your site this morning and find it all very relevant , it really resonates with my own experience. Right now I feel almost light headed from the addiction withdrawl but I know that this time is make or break. Thank you for sharing your stories to help people like me.
Amanda
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You’re very welcome Amanda. I’m glad the blog strikes a chord with you. A HUGE well done on breaking free from this man, please keep safe and know that it really does get better 🙂
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Thank-you, you wrote and confirmed all that I believed was right and true. Your style of writing even made me laugh because you really pinpoint how these lesser men really are! What they say and really mean when they’re lying their butts off…..I needed that…. Cheers
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http://americanainjustica.wordpress.com/2014/11/17/to-the-girl-in-need-of-this-at-this-very-moment/
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I am very much in need of support and encouraging comments, please. My daughter is being kept from me by my abusive ex-husband because I spoke to the police, and I am trying to raise money to cover legal fees and get her back. Please share my story and keep us in your thoughts and prayers!
Thank you.
http://www.gofundme.com/helpkitacomehome
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Wow! Just read your piece about gaslighting. I am 12 weeks out from escaping with my 3 sons. Mostly emotional abuse towards me but physical toward my children. You could’ve been a fly in the wall in my home for the last ten years! Thank you for opening my eyes, all of that happened, I really did think I was going crazy!
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Why would you not tell a narcissist that they are a narcissist? Also, can they change with a lot of compassion/therapy work?
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Yes you could tell a narcissist that they have NPD. But what would be the point? They wouldn’t acknowledge it and certainly wouldn’t change. And it would quite possibly trigger their narcissistic rage. A lot of risk for no benefit whatsoever
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Been in a relationship for 22 years. Lost one son who got kicked out, other 2 are now 20 and 21 and close to moving out. I have left about 12 times and come back every time. Why ? No more phisical violence thankfully. I have no money, no friends and am in the house 24/7 He has never worked ( sorry he has worked for about a week) in all that time. I can’t work. He doesn’t drink/smoke or do drugs. He is also here 24/7 but not always in the same room. Why can’t I stay away when I leave ? I hate this life. i am not suicidal just very frustrated and sad at myself. I know what I need to do so what stops me and drags me back 😦
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Hi there. Am really sorry you’re going through this. You don’t say if you’re experiencing domestic abuse, but as you’re here on this site I suspect that may be the case. It is normal to feel this way in an abusive relationship, particularly one which has gone on for decades. I’d urge you to learn about trauma bonding (check out my page as a starting point), which will hopefully shed some light and show that there is a way out.
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Hi there. I would like to take this opportunity to let you know how much of a difference you’ve made to my recovery. A few days ago was the first anniversary of my escape. It was very emotional when I realized how impossible it seemed not to go back or to ever get better this time last year.
Your blog was the first I came across and I remember reading it on a daily basis. I remember how , initially, I was desperately looking for some advice that would make the pain disappear instantly. There was none and I knew there probably wouldn’t be any, but the pain was overwhelming. A few weeks later I had the patience to read through your articles. It meant a lot to know I wasn’t the only one going through this.Thank you for sharing your story!
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Congratulations on your anniversary! You should be very proud of all you’ve achieved since getting out. As you’ll know at this point, it really does get easier. I’m glad I was able to help in some small way.
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I really don’ t understand because I always taught domestic abuse was only related to physical harm… I am married for 20 years with my bipolar husband, I went to many psychologists and psychiatrists for his bipolar disorder, and now I realized that those shouts and threats were accepted by me because of my trauma bonding… Could it be? I’ve lived scared, anxious, depressed because of his condition, but I haven’t realized that his behavior is not because his bipolar disorder… Please help me, this is all new for me…
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Hi Iv been reading your blogs I can relate to them so much as I’m going through this right now but just feel lost/trapped in this situation but your posts have helped
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Have just left a delusionally jealous man and finding it so hard. But the feeling of relief and the rediscovery of myself is wonderful! Your supportive and insightful (often funny blog) has helped. Thankyou! To anyone in a relationship with an abusive arsehole, PLEASE leave! Your life may depend upon it.
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Your blog is a great resource for people experiencing abuse and has helped me put into perspective what’s really going on inside my house. And to see that my so called “boyfriend” is not just a guy who suffers from bipolar disorder, or a “mean” guy, or even someone who grew up poor so in his words “I grew up white trash, so I act white trash”. All excuses for being a violent lunatic. He has abused me unmercifully for almost three years emotionally, verbally, financially and has come close to being physical. He has stealthily worked to separate me from not only my friends but even potential friends. Spending time with anyone outside of work would incur accusations of infidelity. It all crept up on me until now I feel imprisoned. I am very surprised to find myself in this situation because I have no history at all of this kind of relationship or family history. We are both very driven and creative people. You never hear or imagine this kind of thing occurring to an artist or designer. But indeed it does. Things have escalated to the point where I feel I have no choice but to go. However, something has been bothering me for the last two and a half years so much. I get the impression that he did not abuse his previous two girlfriends. One of them works in the same building as I do. She has given him freelance work for her division and even seemed to be attached to him after they broke up (he started to connect with me very soon after they broke up). It seems like she has no negative views of him, although I have never spoken with her. While he did admit to being abusive to a girl a few years back, it seems he took a break from abuse until he met me. His own daughter who is now estranged, in my only meeting with her told me that she is surprised he has never been arrested for domestic abuse. I am the least violent and confrontational person. I have tried to turn the other cheek in order to have peace but to no avail. Nothing I do ever makes him think well of me. He seems fond of everyone but me. I cannot seem to understand why me and how can an abuser abuse someone for so long and not someone else. Is an abuser an abuser across the board or can they be selective?
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Hi. I’m so sorry to learn of your situation. Reading between the lines, it seems you may be looking to establish whether there is something about you that causes him to be abusive. If that’s what you’re thinking, you have the wrong idea. It’s not you! It’s him.
Whether he was abusive to others seems important to you, so here’s a couple of things I want you to know. If you’ve never spoken to his ex, how do you know she’s not afraid of him and therefore acts nice to him to avoid him acting against her? With my first abusive partner, that’s exactly what I did in order to keep myself as safe as possible before I got him out of my life forever. Even now, when I hear from him from time to time, I never act rude with him: because he is a vicious, vindictive man who’d make me pay if I did. Your safety must come first.
Also, abusive individuals are VERY good at turning on the charm with others. That’s how many are able to convince outsiders that they are a model citizen and an all round good guy that would never behave in an abusive way. It’s to discredit any accusation that they may actually be evil scumbags. And, of course, it does their ego good to be well regarded by others. This is a classic trait of both narcissism and psychopathy, by the way.
His own daughter’s comments should tell you a lot. It sounds like a guarded warning to me. Please do what you need to do in order to get safe away from this man.
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Thank you so much. Abusers always blame the victim, I see that. I guess for me it’s best to try to put out of my head every situation other than my own in this case. It’s true, I don’t know what goes on in this girls mind or the real history. This man is a diabolical liar and an incredible actor. When he out in public he is a sweetheart. Nobody that would believe what is is like to me behind closed doors. That is a huge part of my frustration. He is someone who works with my company from time to time, so many of my colleagues know him. They absolutely adore him! They think he is great and run over to seem him when they accidentally run into him. They are all very well educated, cultured people who would be utterly disgusted if they knew how he treats women or people in general behind closed doors. When he feels unsettled or stressed he seeks to lash out and hurt whoever is in his path. I never saw someone who when going through bipolar depression actually becomes highly aggressive and violent. He lacks empathy for everyone but himself. It’s impossible to me that this is only his pattern of behavior since he has met me. I pity so much his poor dogs who will be without a protector when I go. Thank you for your kind words and for helping me better understand the pathology of this kind of person.
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My ex is saying I made false accusations……out of jealousy! He hit me, threatened to beat me, rough handled me, threw me out again again…….then kept taking me back so I could provide all the groceries, him paying nothing. I want to leave the craziness of my family, who accuse ME of being crazy. So does my ex, well what I did was endure his taunting, lying about me, cheating and putting me down, even hitting me once. He threatened a lot, but then actually did it. Because he did not bruise me he just said he did not abuse me. He was angry that I was on to his game. What do I do about false allegations……of false allegations!
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Hello this blog has truly been helpful to me, I am encouraged and empowered by those who so candidly share their experiences and stories of domestic abuse. Before I was married 6 years ago, I was a happy, beautiful, successful, thriving divorcee 7 years and single mother of 3. Even though I had not reached the Pinnacle of my life goals and aspirations I was surely on my way. I had amazing relationships with my family, long-standing friendships; all that was a healthy foundation. I assumed that abuse was only relative to physical hitting, punching, shoving and so forth. I have since been awakened to the realization that abuse can manifest physically, emotionally, sexually and psychologically. For the past 3 years, I have been abused by each of these methods. I have witnessed my husband turn from a seemingly perfect gentleman to a monster. I can’t say that I didn’t recognize the red flags at the onset of our relationship; as he was fresh from a divorce from his 3rd wife, but of course he was charming, and manipulative enough to persuade me to believe that the downfall of his previous marriages was the fault and behaviors of the women. He had a myriad of unresolved issues going on in his life to include: mental health, financial instability, unemployment, homelessness, CPS involvement concerning his 3 children and too much more to mention. Now that I think about it; I can honestly say that I may have made a conscious decision to turn a blind eye to these things for the sake of proving that I could love nurture, aid and rehabilitate this man by being everything that the previous women had not been to him. This is not to say that I did not genuinely fall in love with him because I am wholeheartedly even today.
My Husband suffers from bipolar disorder, manic depression and tethers the lines of being a narcissistic sociopath. The pathetic point of this is that I Love him, my heart believes that he has the capacity to be the man I fell in love with years ago and I continue my efforts to excuse the abuse by blaming myself even though I realize it’s Him and not Me. He belittles me, humiliates me, calls me names, threatens me, has worked to turn my own biological children against me. I have become estranged from my family and friends for the sake of pleasing him and by his acts of control. He has managed to ruin and injure relationships with everyone around us with his jealousy, accusations and others just simply disassociate themselves with us because of the person they have observed him to be. In the past year I think I’ve reached my Breaking Point I sometimes am even moved to question my own sanity or consciousness; because for as many opportunities to leave my marriage I’ve had, I try to reason with him and even beg him to stop being the way that he is. He is constantly accusing me of lying to him, cheating on him and manipulating him. I profess my love and loyalty which never seems to be enough. Here is my question, Am I as sick as he is for enduring, (part B) am I now an abuser to my children who I have allowed to witness me be verbally, psychologically and emotionally abused?
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To anonymous. You are not an abuser but you owe it to yourself and your children to get out. Make a plan, call one of the domestic violence helplines they will help you and your children to escape. Do not tell him about your plans.
I was in a similar situation to you. He was charm personified, I thought I had met my soul mate. He showered me with compliments, couldn’t do enough for me. Said he loved me very early on and then that he loved my kids. This was inevitably replaced by nasty vile comments about me and my family and that my kids were horrid.
The verbal abuse then quickly turned to physical, hitting me and pushing me over, throwing away my possessions, breaking stuff, getting a large knife and stabbing it down on the coffee table in front of me. He always saved it for when the kids weren’t home… until one night he showed his true self to my eldest. That was my breaking point.
I loved that man so much, it broke my heart to end it but end it I did. I had to for the safety of myself and my children. He was not going to change. He’d been abusive to his previous partner. He had ‘issues’, alcoholism, relationship problems with his family, problems with going to a private school. All excuses, he chose to abuse, and blamed everything and everyone else for it.
You and your children deserve so much more than this. You can be happy again. I’m getting there, it’s been two months. I no longer live in fear. My children are safe. I’m finding me again and you can too.
I wish you all the luck in the world for a better and brighter future x.
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I just wanted to add that in my case my partner had moved in with me and my children and that with the support of friends and the police he left the house. The police did advise me that if he had been living with us for two years or more he would have had some rights to stay. Fortunately it hadn’t been that long.
Be wary of letting someone move in with you and your family too soon. I thought I knew someone but I didn’t really and I let him move in far too early. I was naive I guess.
I’m not a particularly strong person and it has been tough, but if I can get my children and me out of an abusive relationship then you can too x.
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Dear Avalanche
Thank you for all the helpful information on your site.
I want to share what I am currently experiencing. I am an only child, almost 28 years old female. I believe my father & both his parents are narcissists. He is an alcoholic and abuses my mum. I still live with them. I have had enough of being in this environment. I heard of narcissism last year but it didn’t register that this is what some of my family has. In February this year I decided to look up adult child of N and it finally clicked. I am thankful that I now know what is wrong but ashamed I didn’t wake up to it sooner and that I am still living with them after all these years.
Dad does not want me to leave home. I have talked to him about me moving out a few times over the last few years and each time he tells me I am not normal for wanting to move out & have my own place (along with guilt & other manipulations). I am single & will be living alone (until I can get someone to share with). He says the only time women should want to move out is if they are getting married & he doesn’t want that to happen either. If I say I will get a lady to share with me he says you can’t trust them & they may cause some sort of trouble.
From when I was a child he has told me how sad it will be for him if I ever left and still says today that I’m all he has & he needs me to be with him.
He wants me to give him the money I have been saving for my house and get a loan to help him pay off a new, bigger family home that he will co-own with me. He has been talking about “the new house” for about 10 years and nothing has happened except for a few half-hearted visits to home opens. My parents will not be able to afford the new house without my financial help. I have had guilt about if I move and use my money to buy my own house he will never get to achieve his dream. Says I am stupid thinking I should get my own place because if we pool our money together we’ll get a much fancier, bigger place than anything I could afford on my own so the new house is a good investment and I will inherit it so I have no need to buy my own place.
He says if I leave I am abandoning the family and then I’m no longer a part of the family. I worry a bit about him disowning me even though I know that’s his choice.
I have been looking at houses again. Mum supports my going. She tells me when I decide on one to buy I should ask dad if he wants to see it before I sign a contract. I am not sure if that’s a good idea because last year when I did that he successfully talked me out of it by saying I won’t be safe & that I don’t love them anymore. Mum thinks it will be different this time. I don’t see how it will be different from the last three times. I wonder should I buy and then just say I’m going on whatever date, but I don’t want to disappoint Mum as she thinks I should tell him first. I wonder if now that I’m aware of narcs he won’t be able to guilt me into staying this time.
I feel sad that other people have family who support them when making large decisions. Family shares in their excitement but I have to cope with opposition and make the decision alone (although I know I’m not the only person who has a N in their life).
I feel scared about what verbal abuse and emotional blackmail will happen. Most of my friends don’t understand and think I should just not worry and just leave.
Even though I know I am only responsible for my own actions/feelings I still worry about how dad will cope with the narcissistic injury of me leaving.
Thank you for your time reading this.
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I’m in this now….please help me. I have turned to drugs and drink to ease the pain & I am going mad. I have had to go into a unit for 3 days due to psychosis. I have lost my job, my family is in ruins yet I fall for it every time. He convinces me he loves me yet I know he doesn’t I cant get away. I am too weak. The pain & obsession is too much for me when I try.
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Response to Laurie KOSM a. You said to restraining orders. There was only one and that was based on verbal abuse. The one which you used to keep the upper hand and control and manipulate in a relationship. You violated it as much as I did. You liked getting fucked when it suited you. You are a double standard you’re a liar. You’re more than I’m less than and yes you are a narc. You have a personality disorder that doesn’t allow you to except blame or accountability for any of your actions. Everything is always my fault as you always blame me for everything and point the finger at me for everything all the time every time yes for the last five years. You even threw me in jail for trespassing when we lived together for six months because you can’t handle a relationship. I am the empath and you are than narcissistic person. You have to lie your way through life and cannot except the truth from God that I am real and that he sent me to you to break through your walls of fear and doubt. You cannot understand the value in the principles of commitment. You only understand it from a emotional value that changes moment by moment with its ups and downs. You expect more than you are able to give and then you demonize me the value me as you have come back to me after that fact how many times over the five years 25 to 30 times. You have a fear of commitment. Phobic fear. How many times have you put on clothes out in the garage to where I finally told you you put them back. You treat me like trash garbage that you throw out at the curb and have no emotional interest in how I feel or how it makes me feel to be discarded and then the silent treatment. Who is the narc Laurie? You even allowed me to share five years of a beautiful relationship that you’re 88 year old dad and I developed over five years he even told me Jeff do not let Laurie get in the way between our relationship. He and I have worked together on his farm I fixed his tractors I planted hundreds and hundreds of tomato plants sat down with him Ate a tomato sandwich and talk to him about his life and what was important to him. I feel like I’ve been punched in the stomach because you’re so selfish that you could only care about yourself and not realize how I cared and loved for your dad I won’t even go there about your kids because I’m the man there too. You need to meet a real psychopath that can treat you just like the lies you’re telling because you’re mean coldhearted person Laurie.
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Can you edit it was jail for two weeks not six months and she came to visit me three times each week. I want to be truthful and accurate thank you
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Add this please when she took out the restraining order that was a joke. She included our church. I just re-read her post and she’s acting like the victim and that so laughable. Her fear owns her. It’s all about the inability to commit and values the relationship above the circumstances the feelings and the emotions that sway from day today Laurie KOSMA
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