About Avalanche

“I’ve read that if an avalanche buries you and you’re lying there underneath all that snow, you can’t tell which way is up or down. You want to dig yourself out but pick the wrong way, and you dig yourself to your own demise.” – Khaled Hosseini

Avalanche of the Soul

This blog was born as I started to dig out of the avalanche of soul-sapping domestic abuse at the hands of the man I believed to be the love of my life. Emotionally numb, I didn’t then know which was the right way to dig – but I knew it had to be up.

Avalanche is my story. It also chronicles my journey of recovery. In sharing my experience, as well what I’ve learned along the way as I clamber out of the ice pit, I hope to help others to achieve a life of safety and happiness.

In the UK, around two women a week are killed by their violent partner or ex partner. But the emotional bruises and scars that are caused by living with domestic abuse are often unseen.

For some service providers, it’s simple. Leave your abusive partner. Problem solved. But, for many survivors, this is just the start of the recovery process. We live in the shadow of the avalanche of the soul – the nuanced feelings of fear, guilt, insecurity and loss that don’t automatically disappear when we walk (or run) away from our abuser.

> In this blog I regularly refer to the abuser as male. I know and acknowledge that women can be perpetrators too – the male is used here simply for convenience and consistency.

The blogger

profile.jpgI’m a thirty-something single mother-of-one. As well as being a mum, I’m a writer and a bookworm. I’m also a domestic abuse survivor, and started this blog after getting out of my second abusive relationship.

Leaving the relationship was painful and messy. I had a load of confusing and conflicting feelings – not just the immense relief that I expected, but also sadness, regret and fear.

I started to read and research. I joined support groups, talked to other survivors, and did courses. It has made me more informed, and stronger.

By blogging anonymously, I can be as brutally honest as I need to be. Some of the things I share on this blog, I have never told anyone. I hope this blog helps you on your journey, and helps raise awareness of the complexities of abusive relationships.

Thanks for stopping by!

Copyright information

The experience of domestic abuse is a painful and personal blog topic. Like many others, I blog to share what I have learned, to deepen my understanding, and in the hope that it may help others.

The blogging experience is one of collaboration and community. This makes it a great place to share experiences and perspectives on domestic abuse – where there are lots of things that both survivors and perpetrators have in common. I welcome use of my material in line with this notice:

© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Avalanche of the Soul with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Examples of what’s fine, if appropriate attributions are given and links back to the original content are provided:

  • Re-blogs from this blog
  • Drawing or reflecting on content in this blog
  • Using excerpts and links from this blog

Sharing is great, so let’s all play nice!

Find out more about preventing content theft in WordPress Support.

Commenting on this blog

I always love to hear from you! I welcome feedback, experiences, and insights that may help me and others. So, please feel free to post comments.

I don’t edit any comments I receive – so the comments that appear on the blog are published exactly as they were written. However, I may not choose not to publish offensive comments, trolling, or spam.

Disclaimer

Unless otherwise specified, all views on this blog are my own and do not constitute professional advice in any way and should not be taken as such.

© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14
https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com

42 responses to “About Avalanche”

  2. You are totally right about those service providers! The amount of time I have heard people say “Just leave him, he’s your father not your husband, it’s different” or worse, “it’s easy”. Emotional abuse is so silent, so hidden. My father was never physical. It was all emotional and verbal abuse. Every day was controlled and my mind demoralised. I look forward to reading more of your work and thank you for taking the time to read mine. R x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi freefromhim. You are right. One of the biggest challenges about emotional abuse is that it is so hard to get those on the outside to take it seriously. Hardly surprising, when often we ourselves don’t really understand the full extent of the abuse – especially if you factor in gaslighting and trauma bonding etc. These men are often totally different in public – often charismatic and persuasive. We really need more awareness! x

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    • Thank you – it took as lot for me to get out. I left him a few times but always got sucked back in. This time, it’s for good! Writing this blog is really helping keep me strong and understand what has happened to me. Wishing the same for everyone struggling in an abusive relationship. Life really is better ‘on the outside’!

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  5. I’m so glad you stopped by my blog because it led me to yours. There is a special place in my heart for victims of abuse — particularly mothers. Mine was in a verbally abusive relationship for many years after getting married at 16 to my much-older father. She eventually summoned the courage to leave, living secretly and visiting me frequently. She had me wear a blindfold whenever going to her apartment out of fear I might accidentally let my father know where she was living. We eventually left together, my mom and I, and she met and married an amazing man who had a huge impact on my life — changed it for both of us in so wonderful many ways. Today, I am a father of four who calls upon the lessons of my step father and his memory very often. Thank you for your honesty, courage and insight on a such an important and all-too-often invisible subject.

    Yeah, I write a humor column… weird, huh? 😉

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    • Wow, and welcome! It is amazing how blogging makes connections. Your blog really makes me giggle, and I’m so glad you found Avalanche.

      It is great to hear a man’s perspective on domestic abuse and its impact. Also, as someone who experienced an abusive parent, your insight is particularly encouraging to me. It sounds like your mother’s decision to leave turned out wonderfully for you both. I hope that when my own child is old enough, I will be able to explain why I made the impossibly difficult decision to get out.

      My own mother left my abusive father when I was still too young to be impacted by it, and my own experience of abuse has made me even more thankful to her for that.

      Thank you for sharing your story, and adding your voice. The more people who talk openly about abuse, the better, and I’d love to hear more of your insights.

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      • I have little doubt, based on the amount of sensitivity I can sense from your posts, that you will be able to explain thee reasons for your decision in a way they will understand. Even at a young age, children can sense when things are wrong; they are good and loving by nature, and pick up on contradictions to those values even if they don’t understand how or why.

        Your decision was the right one, and your child will agree and thank you for it in the years ahead. Trust me on this 😉

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  6. I am so thankful to have found your blog, through another blogger with whom we share DV experience and now recovery. I have a feeling that this journey is going to be one of the best of my life, and that I get to come across talented, compassionate, and brave *humans* along the way is just fantastic.

    Thank you, and blog on!

    Tiffany

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    • Hi there and welcome! I’m so glad you found my blog 🙂 There are so many people with compelling stories to tell, and each voice is important. As you say, we are all on a journey and going through the process of getting free, recovering, and healing. Good luck with yours – enjoy the ride!

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  8. Hi.
    Youve been officially nominated for the Cut Throat Club, if you are interested in coming aboard, please let me know so that I can formally introduce you on the Clubhouse page. I goose bumps reading your blog because I think you and I were terrorized by similar men. (shivers)
    Anyway, i like your style – love your life – and would be honored of you’d join the Cut Throats to throw in such a meaningful voice…hugs!

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    • Hi – wow, and thank you for the invitation. I’ve a lot of respect for your blog, your love for your daughter and your motto:

      “Always.Get.Back.Up.”

      So, I’d be delighted to clamber aboard!

      It’s amazing how similar abusive men actually are. They are so convinced that they are special and unique in every way – yet they pretty much all play out variants of the exact same theme.

      Big hugs back!

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  9. Hi there, I have nominated you for a blogging award my new and dear friend 🙂 Just a way to let you know that I appreciate all the effort you put into your posts and adore the love, courage, and strength you display in sharing your story. Thank you for providing needed support and encouragement to others here, including me. 🙂 Please follow this link here for the details for the Quintet of Radiance award.

    Quintet of Radiance: Five Enobling Awards

    Like

  10. Pingback: Liebster Blog Award | A Victims Journal·

  11. How nice to meet you and especially to feel your strength in your words. We are now both on the Cut Throat Club – that is wonderful and inspiring and so empowering, I look forward to learning a lot more from you and everyone else here:)

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    • Hi Die Trying, it is great to meet you too! Thank you for stopping by – welcome to my blog and to the CT Club! We’re all learning and growing together, and I’m sure there’s much I can learn from you too 🙂

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  12. I’ve nominated you for the Brave Heart Award: http://wp.me/p3UZPT-qt

    Stand Strong You Are Not Alone

    I call you a survivor, because that is what you are. There are days when you don’t feel like a survivor and there are days when the memories trigger your past and it feels like you are losing the fight – but you are not. Take the past and heal with it. You are strong. I want you to know that the abuse was not your fault. It does not matter what age it happened. You did not deserve it, you did not cause it, and you did not bring it on yourself. You own no shame, guilt, or remorse. In your life, you have faced many demons but look around you and you will see there is hope, and there is beauty. You are beautiful, You are loved, there is hope. You deserve to be loved and treated with respect. You deserve peace and joy in your life. Don’t settle for anything less than that. God has plans for you. Your future does not have to be dictated by your past.

    Each step you take you are not alone.

    Stand Strong.

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  13. Pingback: The Most Influential Blogger Award | Don Charisma·

    • Hi Peter

      Most decent people struggle to understand how people can have no compassion for another – but domestic abuse is (unfortunately) far more common than we first realise. I pretty much thought I was one of the unlucky few until I got out and started reaching out – I then discovered how many survivors and supporters there truly are!

      Thank you so much for stopping by 🙂

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      • So glad to hear from you. I hope life is treating you good. I’ve been to your site several times, you are helping many people. I’m sure they are happy to find you.
        You take as well and I hope sunshine continues to shine of you.
        Melinda

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  19. Hi dear friend
    I see you’ve taken a break form blogging, hopefully the comments will pass in the wind. I have several projects for survivorsbloghere.wordpress.com. As my ideas come together I like to rack your brain, help the most and the shit out. I hope you are well.
    I’ve been thinking of you, Lyme is pulling me down hard.
    Hugs
    M

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  20. When I came out about the abuse my father used against my mother and my two ex partners used against me, which resulted in the death of two unborn babies, my family turned on me, making up false rape accusations about me to discredit my testimony about the male violence I had endured. Society promotes male supremacy, which in turn then covers up male abuse of women and children to protect the idea that men are superior. We cannot tackle male violence without tackling the ideology that promotes the idea that men are superior and therefore women and children are inferior human beings.

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  23. I too have been away from my abuser since April of this year. I don’t know the number of times I have left him and then returned. A friend of my mentioned to Google, “trauma bonding”. I thought it was a title of a book. Little did I know that it would guide me to this website. I can’t explain the relief I am feeling that I’m not the only one who has done the same things. I thought I was returning to him because I was weak or incapable of taking care of myself. I filed for divorce and I left that relationship last April after I was advised from a woman’s shelter that I needed to leave the area for my own physical safety. I can’t believe that I still want to talk to him and I miss him. I had to leave 2 golden retrievers and my 3 year old cat. I can’t describe how much I miss them and concerned for their well being. It just wasn’t possible for me to take them with me.

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