Discover what perpetrators of domestic violence or abuse really mean in this breakdown of the TOP FIVE lies they tell.
1. The lie: “I love you”
The truth: I love what you do for me. I love how powerful I feel when I hurt you. I love that I never have to accept responsibility for my horrific behaviour. I love that despite this, you believe I love you. I feel only contempt for you, but saying ‘I love you’ enables me to maintain control over you.
2. The lie: “I only hurt you because I drink too much / had a terrible childhood / have trust issues”
The truth: I deliberately get tanked up on drink / drugs before I abuse you, because it is a great excuse. In fact, there is no end to the excuses I’ll invent because shifting the blame for my abusive behaviour is important. I do this because you are then more likely to stay. You probably waste energy you could otherwise spend on getting out of this hellish situation on attempts to fix me. I’m able to continue to dodge responsibility for my own actions. You see, it’s not my fault that I’m pathologically unable to feel happy, confident, and strong without making you feel weak and broken.
The truth: I’m telling you what you want to hear, so you don’t hit the exit. The false hope I offer works because the trauma bond that I’ve carefully crafted tells you that only I am able to alleviate your pain. No matter how heartfelt my apology, how grand my gesture of remorse, know that I regret nothing. My concern is only for myself. I genuinely don’t want to change – and I never will. Why would I? My abusive behaviour gets me what I want: control over you and fulfillment of my need to feel powerful.
4. The lie: “If you didn’t do that, I wouldn’t need to hurt you”
The truth: It doesn’t matter what you do, or what you don’t do. The outcome will be the same. If I erupt today because you put two sugars in my coffee instead of one, tomorrow I’ll change the rule without telling you. If you stop speaking to that male friend I don’t like, in a week I will have found someone else to give you hell about. I do this to keep you in a crippling constant state of uncertainty and fear. You will be so busy trying to work out where the goalposts are, you won’t think about why I’m doing this. I will always need to hurt you.
5. The lie: “You couldn’t survive without me”
The truth: You are better than me, stronger than me, more powerful than me. You don’t need me at all. I’m hoping and praying you never realise this, because when you do I’ll be kicked resoundingly to the curb. You’ll be free.
Which of these not-so sweet little lies have you heard? When and how did you stop buying it? SHARE in the comments!