6 top signs he is a love-bomber

You’ve met a seemingly-perfect guy. He is attentive, enjoys spending time with you, shares your interests. He’s even said he loves you. So why do you feel something’s not quite right with your whirlwind romance? Here’s SIX TOP SIGNS that you may be an abusive love-bomber’s latest target.

Love is in the air stencil of a woman hugging a bomb

Photo by yourbartender

#1. He declares he loves you extremely early in the relationship – perhaps before you’ve even decided that there is a relationship. My first abusive ex, whom I later came to call His Royal Highness (though never to his face!), was my boss. He told me he loved me. I told him I didn’t love him – crikey, I barely even knew him. Tears shone in his eyes. ‘Oh,’ I thought. ‘If he’s so upset then he must really feel that way.’ It took only a few more months before we started dating.

Like my ex, an abuser will – for the duration of your relationship – continue to use ‘I love you’ solely to manipulate you.

#2. He has no hobbies or interests – but takes on yours as his own. He never showed an interest in Reiki or appliqué crafting before, but suddenly he’s the expert. If you go to classes, he’ll sign-up too. This helps convince you that you’re Made For Each Other. It also enables him to ‘guard’ you during your outings, and insinuate himself into every corner of your life. Before long, you’re doing everything together and everyone else is pushed out. The first step in isolating you is complete.

#3. He maintains relentless contact. Closely linked to #2, the bombarding love-bomber texts or calls you continually. He ‘surprises’ you by calling over unannounced. He writes you long emails at 3am. You may feel flattered that you are clearly so much on his mind, but actually what he is doing is ensuring that he is rarely out of yours. As he sets the pace and does not allow you breathing-space, you’re far more likely to go with his flow.

#4. He agrees with just about everything you say, whether it’s your musings on global politics or your preference in pizza toppings. He voices no opinions of his own at this stage – but believe me, you’ll hear a lot more of them once he feels confident that you’re firmly hooked. As his mask slips, Mr Agreeable morphs into a domineering monster.

#5. He paints you the picture that you want to see. If you long for a ‘happy ever after’, he sets himself up as your dream Mr Darcy. If you’ve been abused by a past partner, he’ll show you his strong, protective side – coupled with outrage against men who treat women that way. My second abusive ex knew all about my first, and wanted me to see him as The Protector. Unfortunately, this became the first link in the trauma-bonding process – where he had the power, and I didn’t.

Want to get married someday? So does he. Sure you want children in the future? So does he. See yourself travelling the world and having great adventures with the love of your life? He has the same vision.

Torn heart

Photo by Kiomi

Whilst it is great to meet someone who shares our hopes and dreams for the future, tread cautiously to determine whether this is simply a love-bombing tactic. If he says he wants children someday, how does he behave with the kids already in his life? If he’s already a doting uncle, for example, that is reassuring. If he cooes at baby photos with you but scowls at a bawling toddler when he thinks you’re not looking, you may want to reassess.

#6. He treats you. Expensive gifts, dinners, flowers, quirky little presents ‘just because’ keep heading your way. Many people in genuine relationships do this because they like making each other happy. But for a love-bomber, the lavish displays are manipulative – they are designed to convince you of his (or her) sincerity. Also, remember the old adage, ‘There’s no such thing as a free lunch’? An abusive love-bomber does. You’ll be repaying him, with interest, later.

Love-bombing is not love

Love-bombing can easily be mistaken for genuine, Real Deal love. However, it is absolutely, definitely, 100 per cent NOT about love. It is a manipulative tactic designed to achieve a specific goal. From an intimate partner perspective, love-bombing can be spotted through its two main characteristics: speed and magnitude.

  • He moves too fast for your comfort, making it harder for you to assess whether you are headed in the direction you want to go.
  • He does too much, his proclamations and displays are more grand and sweeping than people would ordinarily put out there.

Why does he do it?

Though psychopaths and narcissists are often accomplished love-bombers, people without personality disorders can and do also use love-bombing. An abuser who uses this technique is deliberately charging-up the natural relationship process, so he can:

  • Convince you he’s The One
  • Relax into his natural, abusive state as soon as possible

and

  • Create the optimum conditions so you do not leave him when the abuse emerges.

REMEMBER:

When an abuser love-bombs, this is a deliberate attempt to manipulate you in the direction of his choosing. It is also the start of a process to condition you so you don’t leave when the domestic abuse emerges.

If you suspect you are being love-bombed, try taking a step back. If your man respects your wishes and your boundaries, you likely just have an overly-enthusiastic suitor on your hands. If he doesn’t, you are probably dealing with an abuser – and you need to hit that red Eject button!

Handful of stars

Photo by xJasonRogersx

Has a love-bomber made you their target? When did your alarm bells sound, and why?

ALSO SEE: 15 signs your partner may be a budding abuser, in Early Warning Signs.

© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14
https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com

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17 responses to “6 top signs he is a love-bomber

  1. Really great advice and insights that are often overlooked, particularly by those who have recently been in an emotionally and/or physically abusive relationship, leaving them vulnerable to these love-bomber ploys. We all want to believe in love and be loved, especially after getting out of a bad relationship, abusive or otherwise. The question of “How could I have been so wrong?” causes doubt, and in many cases a need to prove otherwise to ourselves or others. The result is vulnerability to those seeking to manipulate the hopes of love and the need to “get over” the past. The saying “If it seems too good to be true, it usually is” applies to more than just a sale on Justin Bieber CDs…. ok, probably a bad example.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks so much for your input. You’re right, of course, that’s why love-bombing can be so successful (and painful). The world around us conditions us to believe in soul mates and happy-ever-afters. I believe they ARE out there, but we can all fall prey to those who see the desire to love and be loved as a weakness to exploit.

      Oh, and I never had you down as a Belieber, Ned! I learn something new every day 😉

      Like

      • All so true. Even the happily-ever-after part, which I was blessed to find after many years.

        And by the way… if my tongue was any further in my cheek regarding Justin Bieber, iI would look like Louie Armstrong blowing a trumpet. In short: Not a Bieber fan! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      • It is people like you, that have found their happy ending, that keep me believing in love.

        I apologise most sincerely for the implication you may be a Bieber fan. (Hilarious as that would be as a topic for one of your upcoming posts). British sarcasm obviously doesn’t translate well on a keyboard 🙂

        Like

      • I’m so glad to hear that, and it really was one of those “Love at first sight” stories. Can’t explain it; you just know you’ve finally arrived at the right gate for the destination you’ve been trying to find.

        And I figured you knew I was joking, but it wasn’t a chance I was willing to take! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Every one of these is 100% true in my experience. It has taken me several tries to learn the hard way to notice these signs. And to also not take someone who doesn’t behave this way as not being interested.

    Like

    • You make a really great point that we shouldn’t assume that men or women are only interested if they love-bomb.

      I run a mile from love-bombers, but also hate the whole ‘play it cool’ dating thing too!

      Like

  3. Pingback: Aware of the mask | Enliven·

  4. Augh!! It was the ‘tears in the eyes’ that reeled me in and I felt like such a cow because I had upset him! dohdohdohdoh

    Like

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