Happy anniversary to my abuser

This week marks six-months since I left my abuser for the final time. Here’s my happy anniversary letter.

*** If you’re offended by swearing, please don’t read. I couldn’t write this without expletives! ***

Dear Scumbag

It’s been six months since I got the hell out of your life. You claim not to understand why, but you do. The hitting, the screaming, the spitting, the morbid jealousy. The rage-stuffed rants and lengthy interrogations. The lies and the threats. Your paranoia-inducing drug habit and terrifying gambling addiction. Your inability to hold down a job. Your unwillingness to shoulder any of the responsibilities of parenthood.

Dead roses

Photo by blueskygirl

Your belief that I should be the breadwinner, the provider, the problem-solver, the mother, the cleaner, the taxi-driver, the lover, the personal assistant and the perpetual-loan provider. Your cognitive dissonance in telling anyone that would listen that you would provide for our family whilst you do less than nothing. Your pleasure in trampling over everything that mattered to me. Your strangling of my joy, confidence, and self-worth. Shall I continue?

Anyway, you’re quite the catch, so it must have been a total shock to the system to hear I wasn’t coming home. Surprising, isn’t it, how determined I can be when I put my mind to it? You told me I was over-reacting, and proceeded with your textbook hoovering campaign. It must have been another seismic tremour when I resisted, instead of caving in like I usually did. Your stalking frightened me, but it also showed me that I made the right decision in walking away.

Your inability to grasp the fact that I was done landed you in hot water with the law. You weren’t even man enough to attend your own trial. You’re gone now (hopefully for good) and I’m bloody delighted. Wherever you are, I’m certain you are shoving the hat of victimhood on your large head and telling anyone around you that will still listen, that I’m the cruelest bitch on legs and I never actually loved you.

Though, on that last point you’re actually correct: I never loved you. I fell in love with a charming mask, and when you eventually dropped it I couldn’t possibly love you. The real you is a weak, hate-filled loser.

Evil cupid

Original photo by Mykl Roventine

In all honesty, you probably knew (somewhere in the dark recesses of your chest cavity where your heart is supposed to be) that I’d leave for good one day. Still, you’d rather chew off your own leg than admit you are abusive. Unless, of course, you thought those words – once said – would forever absolve you of responsibility for being, let’s face it, a total tosser.

I don’t need you. I never did. Six months without your crap and I’m already feeling more like me again.  I am doing just fine, and our child is thriving. Now, I can see the day when you are nothing more than an unpleasant footnote in my life-story.

Happy anniversary.

> A huge thank you to you Avalanche readers and fellow bloggers, for helping and inspiring me over the last six-months. It’s been a real journey. I appreciate you being part of it.

What do you wish you could say to your abuser? Have you told him exactly what you think, or are you saving your breath?

ALSO SEE: The hidden costs of escaping domestic abuse, in Is leaving your abuser worth it?

© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14


25 responses to “Happy anniversary to my abuser

  1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this Happy Anniversary Letter!!! Fabulous! The only thing I would change is the salutation from ‘scumbag’ to Douche-bag 😜! Sooo very proud of you as I know how difficult it is leaving these life sucking, soul scorching ‘douche-bags’ ! Celebrate your anniversary well! You deserve it!! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much Tela. It means a lot as I know you’ve been there too.

      Douche-bag / scumbag… insert your own phrase as they all fit (for my ex and yours too). The English language needs some stronger words 😉 xx


  2. Wow, that was beautiful. You have a way with words. A big Congrat’s! And by the way, I love swear words. I find them to be the best tonic in the world when you need to scrub away the grime. ♥


    • Thank you so much Mandy. It was a very cathartic post to write. And yes, absolutely, sometimes cursing is the only way to depict the disdain for these abusive creatures. Glad you weren’t offended 🙂


  3. Happy Anniversary,Triple S!!! And…um, am I supposed to put a warning label on every one of my posts like you have here (for using like 3 semi-cuss words, by the way lol)??? Oops…
    Anyway, I just wanted to remind you that if there was ever another woman on the planet in whom I held the utmost admiration based primarily on her enormous set of balls, that woman be YOU.
    This post made me cry…if I could take you under my physical wing and carry through securely I swear to the Gods that I would. You are a true Cut-Throat to the core. ❤ Love ya.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Aw, God bless you my fearless friend. Thank you for your inspiration and kind words. That means so much – I guess, having been through the mill with this moron (and the one that came before him) I need that affirmation once in a while.

      And no, don’t do the swear-word warning, we love you just the way you are: uncensored, compassionate and dauntless. Love you too x


  4. Love this! “The real you is a weak, hate-filled loser” ..HA! Loser, idiot, douchebag…good for you girl, congrats!


  5. That was awesome!! It sounds like we were married to the same “person/alien/man child”. I have been out for 15 months and have not yet written “the letter”… I got a guideline for writing one at divorce recovery group, but I haven’t felt strong enough to face those triggers. This great blogging community is a great inspiration to me to get all of the crap out onto the blog/journal. Just a side note….Personal opinion about bad language-used in appropriate context, it can add to the emotion-or turn a reader off. Yours added to the emotion. Nice of you to add the pre-warning. Army of Angels (AoA)


    • Thank you, AoA. It’s amazing how similar these men actually act (yet they think they are so unique!). Man child is a great description!

      You don’t have to write a letter to your ex unless you want to, when you are ready. Hopefully, if and when you do, it will be cathartic rather than traumatic. After all, we are about healing – not adding to the trauma.

      And I’m glad you think the swearing was okay. I needed it 😉


  6. “Still, you’d rather chew off your own leg than admit you are abusive. Unless, of course, you thought those words”…….PROUD OF YOU!!!!!!!!
    Love this post. Happy Anniversary. You’ve helped me in more ways than you could possibly ever know Triple S.
    I love you girl.
    I’m sorry I didn’t get to this sooner. I discovered today that a lot of my email notices are going to spam. Don’t know why.


  7. Ha ha. Love it. Just when the abuser thinks they’ve got you, they actually haven’t. It’s a wonder I haven’t changed into a lesbian after leaving mine. Saying that, why should I let him change me? I’ll stay how I’ve always been. I hope my abuser kicks himself, if he ever finds that I’m dating another man. Then I hope he trips over himself, and hurts his head on the pavement. What I don’t understand more, is if anyone around us both, knew he was likely to treat a woman like this, why wasn’t I warned. Or were they just enjoying the show? He thinks he’s everything to women. At least he hasn’t managed to win me over or marry me or have my children. I can only imagine what a cruel father he would be. The real him. Not the fake sunny picture he tries to paint of himself. Anyway, there’s no such thing as selling tea at night, so I think he was actually playing away, while his ex wife slept. I don’t want her scrappy seconds. Never live with a man, before you get to know him. Unless you’re missing half a brain. Only move in together, after you’re totally sure that you will both genuinely get along. I don’t understand how group housing works.


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