What my abuser taught me

I paid a hefty price for falling in love with an abuser, and I blamed myself for allowing it to happen. Now, I know that this human wreaking ball taught me valuable lessons.

Gold frame by Stephen the Photofan

Gold frame by Stephen the Photofan

Domestic abuse is devastating and damaging: I’ve experienced many things that I wish had never happened. I once thought that my abuser had taken everything from me. But, he left me with two priceless lessons.

Lesson ONE: It wasn’t my fault, and it wasn’t my job to make it right.

  • Domestic abuse can happen to anyone. Truly.
  • I fell in love with a careful mask, not a man.
  • No matter how much I loved him, my abuser didn’t love me.
  • My abuser didn’t NEED my help to get better. He didn’t WANT to get better.
  • My abuser will never change. He never accepted responsibility. He won’t start now.
  • I am not responsible for him. I never was.

Lesson TWO: I always had power and strength, even when I didn’t know it.

  • I would leave my abuser when I was ready – not because the rest of the world told me to do it.
  • More is not the answer. More love, more understanding, more money, more compassion, more letting it go – nothing worked but ‘no more’.
  • Escaping is a process. Even though I’ve closed the door on my abuser, I have to work at keeping it locked every day.
  • I am more resourceful than I ever guessed.
  • It is better to be single than to sacrifice my soul.
  • Fear is only good when it propels me to positive action.
  • I am strong enough. I am stronger than him.


“Some people come into your life as blessings. Some people come into your life as lessons.” Unknown

Have you learned something of value from the devastation of domestic abuse?

ALSO SEE: Top tactics abusers use to block your escape, in What your abuser doesn’t want you to know.

© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14

11 responses to “What my abuser taught me

  1. First, love the new look! Very clean and professional 🙂

    Secondly, great information in this post. I hope that we can all raise enough awareness to help victims see that what happened is NOT their fault because we almost always come away thinking it is.

    My lesson learned is that I’ve come to realize I have always looked outside of myself for validation. I have many signs of being a codependent. Those are things that take a lot of concentrated effort to overcome because they are traits that developed over a lifetime and were made worse in the 8 years I was with my abuser.

    At the same time, I am glad that I now know exactly all the things I need to work on within myself to be complete and whole. I can look at my experience objectively and reflect on everything without being a hot, heaping mess. Everything that happened to me (and to all of us) is text book regarding these disordered people. We can pretty much set our watch by their behaviors. In fact, they are pretty pathetic and cowardly when looked at from the outside.

    They NEVER deserve the people they abuse and they know it.


    • Yes, absolutely! It’s hard to understand that it’s not our fault when our abuser is constantly shoving the responsibility on to us. It’s hard to realise there is nothing we can do to fix it, when your abuser conditions us to believe that if you *just* dedicate yourself exclusively to his needs he will treat you right.

      As you say, self-analysis is really important, because then we discover that the most powerful change we can make is in ourselves.

      Oh, and our unoriginal abusers ‘don’t deserve the people they abuse.’ ~ never was a truer word spoken 🙂


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