THE FEAR: my stalking abuser is back

Photo by Wetsun

Photo by Wetsun

Today, I received a major shock to the system. My ex – who is subject to a restraining order – was spotted by a friend loitering close to my home. He lives (as far as I now know) many miles away and I can imagine no reason why he would be in the area – unless it is to see or check up on me.

When she told me my legs turned to lead. Everything came flashing back. After more than a month without seeing or hearing from him (thank God!) I’ve been catapulted back to the Land of Fear.

I am afraid to take my baby for a walk in case he makes good on his threat to snatch the little one. I am afraid to let my family members take the baby out, too.

I am afraid to be at home – even though I have an emergency alarm that connects straight to the local police station – and continually check and re-check that all the doors and windows are locked. I am afraid to go out – especially to my favourite places – in case I see him.

I am afraid to sleep, in case this is the night I get that dreaded knock at the door. I am afraid to be awake: jumping at every noise and desperately hoping that when I look out of the window I won’t see his silhouette in the streetlight. My mobile phone has become my enemy again – I’m watching it, waiting for the incessant trill of his calls.

Photo by edans

Photo by edans

It is devastating because I have spent so long pulling myself up by my boot-straps, trying to make myself comfortable in my own skin again. Yet, even though I thank my lucky stars for every day that I am away from him, he still has the power to make me afraid. He is still a pervasive, disturbing force in my life.

Who knows how many times he has been lurking, watching – that he was spotted the one and only time he was in the area seems too big a coincidence.

I’m back where I started, but worse. Now, I know that he hasn’t gone away. Even the possibility of being arrested yet again isn’t deterring him. He hasn’t given up. Unlike me, he is not afraid.

© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14

17 responses to “THE FEAR: my stalking abuser is back

  1. Be careful, stay strong and don’t let this control your life. Are you based in the U.K? The laws on stalking have become more severe and tougher in recent years. Call the police if you are worried about anything. Thinking of you and always here, Ros x


    • Thanks for your kind words Ros. Yes I’m in the UK and the police have been great throughout, I’m pleased to say. Getting them involved was the best thing I could have done, and I’d recommend it to anyone in a similar position as they can do a lot to make you feel more secure. Shame they can’t do much about the psychological impact! x


  2. I understand. Been there myself. Be sure to journal everything, and call the police – document everything. Ask friends and neighbors to watch out for you too, having a witness goes a long way in court. I have lived through this twice. You will make it.


  3. Pingback: 10 Things to Do When an Abuser Ignores Your NO | Prayers and Promises·

  4. Pingback: 10 Things to Do When an Abuser Ignores Your NO Prayers and Promises·

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