Today, I received a major shock to the system. My ex – who is subject to a restraining order – was spotted by a friend loitering close to my home. He lives (as far as I now know) many miles away and I can imagine no reason why he would be in the area – unless it is to see or check up on me.
When she told me my legs turned to lead. Everything came flashing back. After more than a month without seeing or hearing from him (thank God!) I’ve been catapulted back to the Land of Fear.
I am afraid to take my baby for a walk in case he makes good on his threat to snatch the little one. I am afraid to let my family members take the baby out, too.
I am afraid to be at home – even though I have an emergency alarm that connects straight to the local police station – and continually check and re-check that all the doors and windows are locked. I am afraid to go out – especially to my favourite places – in case I see him.
I am afraid to sleep, in case this is the night I get that dreaded knock at the door. I am afraid to be awake: jumping at every noise and desperately hoping that when I look out of the window I won’t see his silhouette in the streetlight. My mobile phone has become my enemy again – I’m watching it, waiting for the incessant trill of his calls.
It is devastating because I have spent so long pulling myself up by my boot-straps, trying to make myself comfortable in my own skin again. Yet, even though I thank my lucky stars for every day that I am away from him, he still has the power to make me afraid. He is still a pervasive, disturbing force in my life.
Who knows how many times he has been lurking, watching – that he was spotted the one and only time he was in the area seems too big a coincidence.
I’m back where I started, but worse. Now, I know that he hasn’t gone away. Even the possibility of being arrested yet again isn’t deterring him. He hasn’t given up. Unlike me, he is not afraid.
© Avalanche of the Soul, 2013-14 https://avalancheofthesoul.wordpress.com